Page Four

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The New Primate Nooz is proud and just as pleased as a bagful of leprechauns on a hot St. Patrick's Day to be able to announce that Mr.Christopher Shaw of the Hollywood Hills, Los Angeles, has been appointed as Senior Executive Vice-President, with duties ranging all over this dusty corner of SW Arizona.  He has promised to continue his Really Scientific Letters column, but has turned over all responsibility for the controversial 'Recommended Reading' section to a new face here in Hellmouth, that of Potty Pumphrey, who comes to us from the British Royal Journal of the Cercopithecinae, and we are excited to have her with us.  Mr. Shaw hopes that from the high vantage point of his new position, he will be able to put a stop once and for all to the continued use of the 'Recommended Reading' section as a forum for displaying mock articles supposedly written by Mr. Shaw and designed to cast him in a ridiculous light in front of his wife and children.  We wish him luck!

RECOMMENDED READING:

Hi!  I'm Potty!!  I'd like all our loyal subscribers to read at least four of the followng choices I have carefully selected for your special pleasure and the improvement of your minds. Which could use it, I must say. Let me know how you like them. Ciao........

Watah Al-Qahirah (1979).  “Primate Motifs in Egyptian Hieroglyphics.”  Cairo Monkey Monthly, 5:12-14. *****

Watah Al-Qahirah (1987).  “Seven Egyptian Primates and What Happened To Them.”  Desert and Wadi News, 22:39-50.  *****

Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles (1990). “Rafting as an Explanation of How Primates Crossed the Irish Sea.”  Primates, 31:98-110.  *****

Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus (1990). “Monkey Island Prison and Why You Should Avoid It.”Prison Reform Digest, 35:20-26.  *****

Sven Svenstavik (1998).  “Engelsk översättning latt uppslagsord frågor att avlednigar apa lårs jordnöt.” Jurnal Jeg Et Ske Går Söka Scandinelvsk Primaten,
17(2):46-64.  *****

Christopher  Shaw (1982).  “The application of convex isopropic calculus and game theorems to blue-blooded tamarin plummeting rates at Quiriquiri National Primate Park, Venezuela.”  Biogenetic Mathematics, 1:1-99.  *
 

ADVERTS

Need some pipes?  How 'bout bulbs? We've got all kinds of pipes and all kinds of bulbs.  Smoking pipes, light bulbs, bagpipes, fruit and vegetable bulbs, glass pipes and pipettes for laboratory work, thermometer bulbs, pipe cutters, and of course miles and miles of pipe.  Authorized service center for all your pipe and bulb needs. Open 7 days.  Hellmouth Pipe and Bulb.

We're looking for a few almost comatose elderly primates to fill up our quota at the Practically Dead Primates Special Care Center. The rooms that are still available are not too good, but if you're comatose, who cares, and why spend the extra money?  If someone in your family is unconscious most of the time, bring them down to Practically Dead Primates Special Care Center. They might even wake up long enough to see if they like it.  Well, they might.  Call us at 792-0567 or come to any of our Thursday night get-togethers at 7pm in Annex C. Free parking and non-alcoholic drinks.

Going out of business sale at Hemple's Appliance and Small Animal Feed. We've got so many things you need that we can't believe you're not down there already.  We've got pulse light generators, optical treads, ellipse boxes, twin pressure cells, laminating springs, scopic ventilators, flushmount compression stands, digital incline rollers, and motion slides both large and small.  All that stuff you needed last winter when that “project” kept you out in the garage and away from your wife's cooking.  Everything is at least 50% off. Some of these items may never be seen on sale again, so you better get them while you can.
Hemple's Appliance, 3rd and Pine St., Hellmouth.
 
The
Primate
Nooz©
COPYRIGHT UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE.  REPRINTED
 WITH PERMISSION.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
 
 
Produced as a public service by those wild and wacky briefcase guys down at the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corp., with additional funding kindly provided by the Japanese Bamboo Screen Makers Union, Sato's Squid Palace, Japan-TV (home of newest hit, “Sumo Simians”), the Lotus Blossom Festival of Matsuhira and Fukuoka, the Mt. Sidney Silkworm Society, the Osaka Men's Volunteer Firefighters Association, and Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank.
  
© M. Charters, 2002, Sierra Madre, CA.
 


“The One That Got Away: The Story of the Abominable Primate That Escaped from Boris's Animal Circus and Was Never Heard From Again” by Pyandzh Korog, a senior editor at Rafikistan All News Agency, and friend of Uzman Shakhrisyabz of Dushanbe University.

“History of Primatology.” A condensed version of the 17-volume opus produced by Dr. Worcester “Wink” Chesterfield of Birmingham University, U.K.

“Primates and Psychic Phenomena” by Igor Ulyanosk and Ivan Grodsky of The Far North Simian Studies Center.
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