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ANNOUNCEMENTS

Yes, it's true.  Primate Nooz is going belly up. Everything must go, paperclip bins, water coolers, rolling chairs, air cleaners, ink spreaders, copy machines and everything located near any of those things. Everything from the very desks of publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. to the hot 1250° hydrogen laser spotlight (and its owner, Bill Measely). Everything! The Nooz is folding its tent and will be gone from Hellmouth by next Tuesday, so come in while you have a chance and see what we've got.  All our features will be available to anyone who wants them, “WHAT IS...?,” “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner,” “Spotlight on the World,” “Report from the Field,” “200 Months Ago Today,” “News Behind the News,” “Year in Review,” “Recommended Reading.”  All of them.  Please note that any other primatology newspapers are welcome to rifle through our stuff to see if there's anything they could use.  Well, all except PRIMATE LIFE, Primate Week, and Southwest Arizona Monkey News, that is.  Those three publications in particular have not supported us as we would have wished.  We'll be open tomorrow from 1-3pm.

RECOMMENDED READING BY DR. THRACE THRASHER, M.D.:

Jena Halle Ochsenfurt (1981).  “Phylogeny and classification of the red-nosed sifaka.”  Antananarivo University Library Notes, 111:35-47.  *****

Theodore Simpson Isaacs (1970).  Rafikistan Odyssey. Kushanbe Press, Alma-Kzyl.  *****

Mitsuo Ohhohoho (1988).  “How I Found the Lost City of the Cercopithecines.”  Unnatural History, November, 45-50.  *****

Maximilian Quail (1995).  “Gas Exchange in the East African Ground Colobus.”  Mammalia Tanzania, 12:17-23.  *****

Arnett Putney, III (1993).  “The Proud History and Woeful Ending of the Primate Nooz.”  In 20th Century American Primate Newspapers, ed. Widen Lundale, Jr., Barnes and Goble, Cheesequake.  *****

Christopher Shaw (1993).  Adrift in Noozland:  The Story of My Unfortunate Association with the Primate Nooz.  Potts, Packer and Polthammer, Los Angeles. **1/2
 

Dear Editor,
      Just what are we supposed to do now that the Primate Nooz is going out of business?  Read Ladies Home Journal or World of Mechanics?  I mean, we've been relying on the Nooz ever since the Big Blow of '72. Who else is going to do “Reports from the Field” like E.S. Fleiglehaus did?  Who else is going to advise us about surgical matters the way that Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended) did? Who else can focus the 1250° beams of the hydrogen laser spotlight on wierd corners of the world the way Bill Measely did?  I mean, PRIMATE LIFE isn't even in the same universe as the Nooz.  So what are we going to do?
                                     Arnie Munsterham
                                Hummingbird Junction

Dear Arnie,
      Well, there's The Primate Times of London, Travel and Primatology, Monkeys of Mali Monthly, Chimp Digest, the Gorgonzola Gazette, World Weekly, the British Royal Museum Journal of the Cercopithecinae, Monkey World, Bombay Monkey Club Notes, the Journal of Abnormal Primatology, Junior Ape Magazine, Primate Week and the British Review of Primates, but we agree that there was only one Primate Nooz, and now that it's going to be gone, there are only second-rate substitutes left.  We are going to be forwarding your letter to the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation in hopes that they will reevaluate their decision to close down the Nooz.

Dear Editor,
      Last Friday I was visiting a friend who works in the 'Recommended Reading' section of the Nooz, and I could swear I saw Win Wing Wan. The person I saw was definitely Oriental, and he was holding his elbow as though he was in pain.  I know Mr. Win was frozen and all, but is there any possibility that his ghost could be haunting the Nooz?   I'm sure it was him.  Have you had any other reports of people seeing him?
                                             Thursby Spackfaster
                                             Mt. Sydney

Dear Thursby,
      Yes, we have.
 
The
Primate
Nooz©
 
 
Produced as a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. with additional funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Redfaced Macaroon Temperance League, Joe's Not So Bad Cafe, the Practically Dead Primates Special Care Center, Plummeters Anonymous, Hellmouth Holy Hospital, the Southwest Arizona Forestry Department, the Nagasaki Rice Carving Institute, the Great Ape Film Society, the John P. Simon Tree Thistle Co., the Guenon Guild of East Africa, and the Abominable Primate Rehabilitation Fund of Rafikistan.
  
© M. Charters, 1993, Sierra Madre, CA.
 

ADVERTS

Are you all loaded up with chemicals but would like some fruit?  Perhaps you've got a bunch of fruit but need some chemicals?  Well, doggone it, we've got both, because we're the Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank, and we're just dying to do business with you. Come on down and bring whatever you've got.  Mr. Bill Whitehaven is our New Accounts Manager, and he's got free potholders for the first 2000 customers who open a circulating account.  But don't wait too long, they're going fast, so do it today, or tomorrow.  Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank, corner of 3rd and Vine, Hellmouth.

Armasol TL has just been approved by the FDA and is now available over the counter in handy 500-tablet bottles with monkey-proof caps at Al's Pharmaceuticals. Specifically recommended for relief of digital hypertrophia, aplastic microneria, neuraleptic displasia, pulmonary phototoxia, humeral radiopathy, systemic kinesis, cistolic tricyclidosis, fibular dyspepsia, isotetic anemia, opthalmic hydrenomene, dystonic monoplegia, vasospastic constriction, gastroesthesia, peronitis of the lower bowel, and sinus congestion.  Not for monkeys.

Now taking applications for grade levels 3 through 6, Hellmouth Technical Elementary School on the campus of Sigsbee Junior Night College. Student-teacher ratio of 15-1, most all our teachers have credentials of some sort.  We feature squares and triangles, mechanical drawing, quantum calculus, organic and inorganic chemistry, calligraphy and spelling. Financial assistance and after-school care available.  CALL (790) 777-1234.
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