Page Two
  
“THE NOOZ SPEAKS
          OUT ONCE MORE!”
       
      Well, here we are again!  The shades are up, the phones are on, and we're back in business in the 4th floor corner office of our temporary building in beautiful downtown Hellmouth.  After what we pulled last time, kidnapping publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. in order to force them to print our editorial, we were sure that at the very least we would be sent to publishing Siberia, but we weren't.  We were convinced that this was the end of our long careers and the beginning of an even longer retirement in some cheap condo in Cheesequake, but it wasn't. We were certain that they would take the strongest possible action against us, and probably disband the entire editorial department, but they didn't. We just knew that they were going to be really mad at us because of what we did, but they took it surprisingly well.  After we released them, they reconsidered their entire position and agreed that we had been right all along.  They were darn reasonable about it too.  They gave us new parking spaces and new Coke machines.  They painted our offices and invited us to their homes for dinner. They promised us there would be no more six-page issues, no more ads for spurious products, no more tabloid primatology, and all we had to promise was that we wouldn't kidnap them again.  And that we would keep the “Nooz Phone” feature.
      We very much regret the internal wrangling that has been going on in the executive and editorial suites of the Nooz over the course of the past several issues, and for any upset or distress we may have caused to anyone because of our part in this, we sincerely apologize.  But every tight-belted and undernourished Nooz reader knows by now that we had to make a stand.  We had to do something to show publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. that they were wrong.  So we kidnapped them.  We're proud that these unfortunate disruptions have not prevented us from continuing to put out the finest primatological newspaper in this part of Arizona. And now that this nasty bit of unpleasantness is behind us, we can look forward once again to many more years of dedicated endeavor and misty-eyed idealism.  We're glad to be back.
  
 
FRILLED INDRI ABDUCTED
FROM RESEARCH CENTER
 
200 Months Ago Today

    200 months ago today a huge fire swept through the pink-tiled halls and overcrowded display rooms of the Municipal Man and Mammal Museum in Cheesequake, reducing priceless primate fossils to dust and attracting fire engines like flies from as far away as Hellmouth and Runnamuck.  Sirens could be heard echoing up and down the lonely Horntoad River Valley Turnpike as emergency vehicles and volunteer policemen careened toward Cheesequake flashing their lights, scraping their fenders on the Dwight D. Eisenhour Victory Arch, and leaving oil slicks on the pebbled streets. The actual blaze was extinguished in about twenty minutes, but considerable subsequent damage was done by various hard-eyed sheriffs and other local rescue personnel.

      200 months ago today was the disastrous failure of the attempt by the big international conglomerate Fruit, Inc. to produce a less-smelly srain of durians, a failure that they are now, 200 months later, just beginning to get over.  People and primates all over Asia had been complaining for years about the noxious odor of this peculiar but popular fruit, when Fruit, Inc.'s Tropical Products and Commodities Division stepped in and guaranteed to create a sweet-smelling durian within two years. Now, after 200 months, we are still waiting.

      200 months ago today was the disappearance of the famous Petrified Ischial Callosity from the personal collection of Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, who found it while motoring across Jujube in 1947.  As every sleepy student of paleoprimatology must know by now, the ischial callosity, not being bone, does not fossilize, and so the discovery of one preserved in an 80,000-year old matrix layer, probably from a vervet or rubberneck guenon, was really amazing. But 200 months ago today it disappeared, and no one has ever seemed to know what to do about it.
(AP) Hellmouth, AZ. A 15-year old female frilled indri named Petey was abducted from the Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center on Sunday, according to the Director, Thurston P. Barnstable. An AWOL indri was indicated by an unslept-in nest and a failure to answer her name at roll call on Monday morning. Petey had lived at the Center for approximately twelve years since being captured in Madagascar, and had frequently expressed a desire to leave.  Primate Nooz was looking into her case at the time she disappeared.
      Frilled indris have always been notoriously difficult residents both at the Center and at other research facilities due to their many unlikeable qualities, not the least of which are their snobbishness and their queer tendency to leave the grounds without even asking permission.
      The four remaining frilled indris were questioned and chose to withhold any comment about her possible whereabouts, but Dr. Barnstable stated, "Oh, she was kidnapped alright, there's no doubt about it." Asked to produce the evidence, he said that he had unfortunately left it at home and his pet squirrel had chewed it up.
      Hellmouth Sheriff Poppy Rosebud is looking into the incident.
 

OHHOHOHO Cont. from page 1.

Primate Conservation Center, and all the way to Bali-Bali and Tasmania before returning to the poison-filled basin of the Amazon.  At present there is no available evidence that the Professor indeed ever left Brazil, so this is a matter that he will no doubt have to deal with in the coming days and weeks.  Primate Nooz naturally disavows any and all knowledge of his activities, and we are among those most curious to know just what he has been up to, and whether this was just a stunt to hype the sales of his books, which have been lagging.
Page One     Page Three     Page Four     Page Five    Page Six    Home Page